the beauty of everything

"I lost my innocence very young and it had nothing to do with sex."

"I found that unrequited love wasn’t just heart breaking, it was twisted. The way that you’d do anything for them, but they never are really too sure if they want to be with you. The way that you’re getting torn to pieces, sitting in your bed, waiting for a text that isn’t coming, and they’re at their friend’s house, playing a video game, and you don’t come to mind, even though you really hope you do. You really fucking hope you do. And not only is it twisted when the relationship is ongoing, but when you both are moving on, oh god, that’s the fucking worse. Two days pass, and they’re kissing another blonde girl at a restaurant, and you’re at home alone because stepping outside seems pointless. It all seems dull, and the thought of even touching another man disgusts you. It scares you. It doesn’t feel possible to love someone else. It was supposed to be them. It was always supposed to be them. It nauseates you at the thought of any other scenario besides you and him in the end. And at some point, you try to move on. You try. You kiss a boy with black hair because the boy you’re trying to get over had blonde, and you drink whiskey, never vodka because that’s what you guys always drank together, and you sleep on the floor because you don’t want to remember where you fell in love. Months pass, and the numbness seems like it won’t go away. How could one person make you feel so broken? But they did. They fucking did. And one day, you meet another boy; he makes you feel special, just like you used to feel, but then you stop; you feel guilty. How could you move on when your heart was always supposed to belong to them? And you think “why, why am I feeling so guilty when it was them who left? I did everything I could.” but the guilt, it fucking eats you. You’re finally feeling happy, and because of that, you feel exceedingly guilty –That, that’s the most twisted part of all."